Friday, July 8, 2016

Working My Climax for SEEker 3

Favorite Passage

The guy exiting Denny’s demolished door twenty feet away was something I should worry about. Mostly because he held one of those stinking shoot-fast guns, but pretty, not ugly like the old Israeli Uzi.
Maybe I should have dropped for the floor. Maybe I should have hurried my shot. His gun made a zing noise, like a loud party favor. And I thought, “Oh, crap.”




10 comments:

  1. Oh crap indeed. I am confident that your protagonist will survive...

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  2. For me, it doesn't read quite right, but I'm not sure what's wrong. Could be just me.

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    Replies
    1. Understood. My wife wanted context, but that isn't really the point in a passage, huh. But I did make a couple of very subtle changes, to that first sentence, which Dina pointed out as confusing too.

      I guess what I thought was amusing is the situation. A guy with a bada#$ gun is about ready to shoot him and in his mind all these other things are spinning around.

      Cheers- Thanks for the comment.

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    2. "The guy exiting Denny's demolished door...was something I should worry about..."
      something or someone? and is the "twenty feet away" really necessary? It's a bit 'clunky' unless you put it at the beginning.
      "Twenty feet away, the guy exiting Denny's demolished door...."

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  3. i would be saying "oh crap" as well and dropped for the floor as well!!

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  4. Haha, he's about to get shot and he's thinking how the other gun is "pretty." That's amusing. I'm wondering, WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? which is probably what you're wanting people to think, eh? :)

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  5. Not my sort book, mine are all pictures and little words.

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  6. Oh goodness, crap indeed, continue one please!

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  7. Continue on! Not one! Silly fingers running too quickly over my keyboard!

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