Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Worldwide Announcement—There Are No AGENTS

I have evidence there are, in actuality, no remaining literary agents in the world. All those bloggers are fronts for a conspiracy.

We are all aware the agents who previously existed were editors and readers laid off from the publishing industry giants (who by the way have all merged into one super-goliath, blood sucking entity).

The off-shoring has taken another devious step since. The publishing industry has created a fractal, geometric, analytical PCS (plot-character-setting) generator. This computer program produces everything that is now published. From as few as eleven plot and a dozen character templates, setting and character name lists, everything published the past seven years has been a computer generated novel.

Face it. How else could James Patterson publish something new every three days?

There are no live authors being published any longer. Those you've met at book signings are actors hired to perpetuate the appearance of original stories.

It's all a lie.

All the queries we send out go to the same place, like our letters to Santa when we were four. A random number are replied to, asking for excerpts/manuscripts, just to keep us buying their generated novels. After all, who else reads anymore, anyway.

Think about it. How many original sounding plots have you read the last ten years? They just switch the setting from Philadelphia to Boston, Narnia to Pern, change the protag's profession from clinical psychologist to nuclear scientist, dragon questor to vampire hunter, put a twist on the insanity of the antagonist, and voila, a new novel.

They have a database of names, height, weight, personality quirks, personal preferences, hair color, eye color, sexual deviances, etcetera, etcetera. Mix and match. It all makes sense to me now.

Give it up!
You'll never be published!

Regards, Mac


  1. Love it! Years ago, my Dad used to say that he could be an author. All he had to do was get one of those Harlequin romance novels, change the names and settings and maybe the description of characters and publish it. And then take that same book and do it again and again and again. :~)

  2. Snark. You're so good at it.